HOW TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND
by
A. Nonymous
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
How2LYH on Smashwords
How to Leave Your Husband
Copyright © 2009 by How2LYH
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
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Disclaimer
I created this guide with a sincere desire to help you prepare for a better future than the current average divorcee. Since I learned a great deal while going through my own divorce, I want to share my experience with the hope that you won’t repeat my mistakes. You’ve already decided to leave; I’m just outlining the next practical steps to take and offering advice like any friend who has your best interests in mind would do. However, no friend is perfect and knowledgeable about everything, so please use my advice at your own risk.
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HOW TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND
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So you've decided to leave your husband. This is HUGE! How do you feel? Scared? Overwhelmed? A little bit relieved? Most likely it's a big cocktail of all three, with some Guilt and Anger salting the rim. I've been there, my friend, and I'll tell you what: the next few weeks and months are going to be the toughest of your life. But have no fear: on the other side of divorce, there is beauty and there is peace. I'm right there now and I have no regrets about my decision. I do have regrets about the way I handled this process; I could have protected myself better. I’m hoping you will learn from my mistakes.
This is a practical guide to help you through the process, step-by-step. Again, it will not be easy. You will cry - A LOT. You will question your decision - A LOT. But I swear, you will be happier for it... Independence is a treasure without price, and with a little bit of careful planning, we can make you the envy of your unhappily married friends. Planning for your financial recovery will be the primary focus of this book. It's no secret that after most divorces the woman's standard of living dramatically drops. I'm hoping to rectify that.
This is not the guide to help you make your decision about whether or not to leave, although it will serve to show you what you have to look forward to, should you choose to leave.
Also, this guide is not just for women who are leaving husbands. The same information can be applied to those leaving live-in boyfriends, or ending other long-term partnerships.
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My Story
Once upon a time, a girl married a boy that she loved. He loved her too, but not in the way she needed or wanted. The girl became increasingly unhappy and a distance grew between them. One day, the girl was faced with a choice: take the unknown, likely treacherous path, or continue on the well-established, unfulfilling road. The girl chose the path away from the road and hasn't looked back. She has had many adventures - most good, some bad - all on her own terms. No longer is she held back by fear of what the boy will think or a lack of self-confidence. She is her own person now, and she is living happily ever after.
I know, I know, that was pretty silly. But it does serve to illustrate a few points - Life is fairytale-esque, and we are mistresses of our own destinies. And, unlike most fairytales, we don’t have to wait for a prince to save us, or even keep our current one. I have lived through what you are about to experience and have come out on the other side of it intact, and am actually now a better woman than I was before. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them and I'm hoping you can also learn from them. I want to help you with the “happily ever after” part of your own story.
It would be impossible to write a guide like this and make it believable without autobiographical references, but I'm only including enough information to share the mistakes I made so that you might prevent them from hindering you. In the interest of keeping myself out of trouble, (see also the Disclaimer at the beginning of this book) I will disguise as much as possible identifiable references and specifics, such as names, places, and dates. I will refer to my former husband as Mr. Past. I promise you that the circumstances in the anecdotes are real. I should also tell you in the interest of full disclosure that I do not have children, so I cannot speak to their protection in an anecdotal way. I want to keep this guide centered on you and you survival through this process, and since kids depend on your survival but do not aid in it, we need to get you in a selfish place for a little while. This will give you a better chance at being stronger financially and emotionally post-divorce. Also, I did not have a lawyer to represent me (which is one of the mistakes I was talking about -- more on that later). So, I will offer some opinions & ideas on those topics, but note that these are not founded in experience.
You are choosing your life and the path that it takes. No one else has to live so closely with your decisions.
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A Note About Self-Medicating
When I told Mr. Past about my affair (see "A Note About Cheating"), he immediately left our house and didn't return for several days. I proceeded to put on The Cranberries' "No Need To Argue" on infinite repeat and drink vodka straight from the bottle. You can guess what happens next. It took several episodes of this to make me realize two things:
A) The hangover is not worth it.
B) The calories are not worth it.
There are better ways to deal with what you're going through other than escaping into drink.
Go have a spa day.
Take a bubble bath.
Take a walk in a forest.
Try out a new hobby.
Take a yoga/painting/cooking/kick-boxing class.
You have enough external depressants in your life right now; you don't need to take them internally. This is especially true if you are already taking some sort of medication for anxiety or depression.
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You thought after deciding to leave that you were done with big decisions, right? Wrong. Now it begins. First thing, you need to decide how you are going to approach this change. How are you physically going to leave him? Are you going to discuss it with your husband before you take action or are you going to move out without warning, stopping only to leave a "Dear Loser..." note taped to his PlayStation3? Both are valid choices. After I chose to leave, I discussed it with Mr. Past. I moved first out of our bedroom for a couple weeks, then out into my own apartment. If he knows that something is amiss, or if you are in marriage counseling, it may be better to get your intentions out in the open. If you fear for your safety or if he has physically abused you in any way at any time, surprise is likely your best course of action. I've written this guide more toward the surprise route, with potential for discussion with your husband at various points. Please consult an attorney and call the police immediately if you feel threatened.
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A Note About Marriage Counseling
Since this is a guide about steps to take after you've decided to leave your marriage, I am assuming that marriage counseling is not an option. Maybe you've suggested it and your husband won't go. Maybe you don't want to go. Personally, I'm not sure marriage counseling works since I only suggested it near the end of my marriage because I thought it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to stay. I also have friends who've suggested that if you get the point of requiring intervention, such as counseling, the marriage is already over.
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Are you ready for The Steps? Let’s go.
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The First Four Steps
These are pretty simple and can be accomplished in less than one day. I suggest that you shouldn't clue your husband in about your intentions until these are accomplished.
Step One: Move your mail
Get a post office box and have all mail in your name redirected to it. If the post office needs a current physical address, provide the address of a trusted family member or friend (ask the family member or friend first!). Alternatively, you can have your change-of-address made out to that friend’s or family member’s home.
Step Two: Get your own checking account
Open a checking account (in your maiden name if you can) at a bank to which you and your husband do not already belong. If your credit score isn’t super and you need a co-signer, choose a trusted family member or friend.
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Cover Your Tracks
In this Internet Age, everything is tracked or trackable: phone calls, email, text messages, Facebook posts. Your husband is probably not a stupid guy, and he probably knows that something is up with you, even if he's Mr. Oblivious. He could have a key-logger installed on your computer, which he used to get your account password, and is reading through your email right now. He could be calling all the numbers on your phone bill to see who answers. He could be scrutinizing your credit card bills for strange purchases. Notice that I planned my website so that the URL is not human-readable since the URL is cached in your web browser's history. h2lyh.com could have just as easily been HowToLeaveYourHusband.com (which would probably make Mr. Oblivious sit up and take note if he happens to see it in your web browser history) and the vendor on your credit card bill is similarly disguised. You shouldn't give away your plans until you're ready to share and execute them, so you need to be cautious in all of your purchases and electronic communications. I'm advising caution, not deception. If he navigates to the website from the browser history out of curiosity, or asks you about the credit card charge, you may have to accelerate the accomplishment of or even skip forward through several steps.
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Step Three: Get your own credit card
Get a VISA credit card (again, in your maiden name if you can). If your credit score isn’t super and you need a co-signer, choose a trusted family member or friend. Your new bank should be able to help you with this as well.
Step Four: Safe Deposit
While you’re at the bank, get a safe-deposit box (in your maiden name if you can). If you need a co-signer, choose a trusted family member or friend. Put your jewelry, any of your own personal documents (birth certificate, social security card, and the like) into it. If you have your own car and it's paid off, put the car title in as well.
By the way, if you run into obstacles over any of these items, it might help to explain the situation. The situation is that you are leaving your husband and are working to protect yourself financially. Most people have been there or are close to someone who has so you'll likely get some sympathy. Swap war stories if you want; now is the time to make new friends and allies.
Note: The "maiden name" suggestions are there because it is a pain in the ass to revert your name post-divorce, trust me. It's been 3+ years and I'm still not finished (my passport is the last holdout). I am not sure you can do this if your maiden name is not your current legal name, but ask them for it. It never hurts to ask.
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Frequently Asked Questions
These are the questions that you will continually ask yourself over the next few weeks and months. I know because I agonized over them for several months after I left. I have done my best to answer them.
Will I be okay? Of course you will be okay. Change is difficult and scary - this one is particularly so since there are so many emotions involved. I know you won’t believe it until you’re past it, but I was there where you are now and I survived. Better than survived, I’m thriving and I wouldn’t have the great life I have now if I’d stayed.
What if I never get married again? This is a tough question. Our society sets girls up to expect only a couple things out of life: marriage and babies. If we deviate from either of those paths, we’re somehow considered lesser women than those who conform. From the time we are little girls watching our first Disney movie, we are conditioned to believe that our goal in life is to find and marry our prince. Why is this? True, it's nice to be with someone you love and who loves you back, but that's a lot of pressure to expose us to at a very young age. Historically, men used marriage to solidify relationships with other men, meaning fathers and brothers used women and their dowries to forge alliances with neighbors or make friends of enemies. Women weren't given a choice of which man to marry, they married whom they were told to marry. This was done only to serve men and further their power. Indeed, this still happens throughout many parts of the world. Take for example the situation where young girls are married or promised to older men1. This is doubly repugnant to me: That marriages are still arranged without choice by the woman (in this case the child), and that it is a child that is involved. I don't really understand why marriage is such a be-all-end-all anyway. We don't really need to pair off with men to support us anymore, society sets us up to believe that though. We can get good, high-paying jobs to support our families on our own. We don't need men to have babies; that’s what sperm banks are for. Single-motherhood doesn’t carry such the stigma that it did in the past, nor do "illegitimate" children. Notice that even the word "illegitimate" to describe a child born out of wedlock is only called such to differentiate the heirs of a man. Enough of that soapbox…
Am I a bad person? Only you can judge that for yourself your “goodness” or “badness”. Others will offer their own opinions, (see the next question), and since you asked me, I believe that no person is “bad” unless they cause physical harm to another creature. I asked myself this question the most often of all the questions, since I used cheating as a catalyst to leave (I knew Mr. Past’s pride wouldn’t allow a functional marriage to continue once I told him about my affair). I am not sorry for my behavior nor do I think I’m a bad person per se. I chose a path that I wanted, and only I can decide if it’s “good” or “bad”.